I broke my back

My office, my bedside

I think the most frustrating thing is how hard it is to do my job. It feels ridiculous. I have done much more physical jobs over the course of my life: pushing carts in the summer sun, standing for hours at a cash register, serving tables, washing dishes, slinging concrete and fence panels, and navigating drunk crowds with trays of drinks during St. Patrick’s Day, Mardi Gras and Cinco de Mayo.

If I was doing any of those jobs, I would have to be on disability. So, I’m incredibly grateful that I can continue to be somewhat productive during my healing. But it is exhausting.

I try to put on a good face during my many Google Meet and Zoom calls, but every two hours worth of productive work takes three hours worth of energy. I’m able to do about one to two hours sitting in the chair. Then, I have to transition back into the bed with my wedge pillow. Then, I can get another hour or two of work done in the bed. Then, I have to get out of the bed. Each transition costs me upwards of an hour’s worth of time. But if I stay in one position for too long, I’ll be in agony by nightfall.

I’m grateful to have a job that is flexible enough I can just work late to catch up on the time I lost during the day. But again, it seems so ridiculous! I’m just typing on a computer! Why can’t I do that for hours on end? I did it before!

And don’t get me wrong, I’m not belittling mental labor. I’m just at a loss for why it’s so physically exhausting.

The bedside desk is super helpful, and I’ve found myself using Siri to dictate a lot of emails to save my arms from getting worn out, especially when I’m lying in bed, but as of yet, Siri is terrible at coding so it’s definitely arm day when I’m writing PHP, HTML and CSS. 🤣

And look, I’m not really complaining about working 10-12 hours to get 8 hours of work done. If I wasn’t working, or trying to get work done, I’d just be tinkering on one of my hobby project websites or watching TV which is just as exhausting! 🤯🤯😭😭

T-76 days.

Enough complaining. Time for some celebrating.

You all have been so unbelievably amazing and generous. I am endlessly overwhelmed and humbled at how you all have come out to help me and Amber. Thank you so much!

Being real raw and honest for a second, I recently came to realize that I struggle a lot with my self worth. I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of being loved or cared for. Seeing your help pour in has been truly worldview shattering.

I want to thank everyone who has contributed. I’m trying to personally say thank you to every single one of you, but if I haven’t said thank you yet, forgive me for being an jerk. I will eventually. Also, if I ask for your address, don’t act weird about it! 😂 Amber just wants to send you a thank you note. She’s analog like that. 🤣

I want to thank those if you who have helped us in ways other than on the MealTrain and the GoFundMe too. I cannot tell you how much I’ve appreciated it. I’ve literally ran out of adjectives.

Your kindness and self-sacrifice has made this incredibly tough season softer and easier for us, and I am forever grateful. Thank you.

https://gofund.me/12e6322d

https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/oqrz21